Its time to admit that I come here when I'm angry.
I do.
Right now I have this slow acting anger inside me, which is a lot like saying that I have slow acting poison racing through my blood stream. The effects are the same.
I kicked/forced one of my housemates out of the house on the behest of the other one. Without actually witnessing the altercation between them, and only on the sayso of violence from the other. But since the sayso was that of a girl and the person accused was a guy, it was pretty much a blind decision. But I did hear the protests of it being an equal opportunity violent session from both sides, but I chose to still make the decision. I chose to ignore the logic and niggling doubts that told me that what he was saying is probably true.
Its so fucked up. I feel extremely unhappy and confused. And angry. I'm so fucking irritated. They have been at this for months. Years. And I'm angry at her for putting me through this. For making me take her decisions and making my position untennable. For getting me to destroy a really old friendship. Two, if i'm being honest with myself.
Somewhere, that ugly truthful part of my brain has started ranting at me that she is toxic. And this happened once before and I ended somthing with someone who did love me unconditionally in spite of all her faults. It became permissible to give up the most precious thing in the world: unconditional love. And this is happening again. There is this ugly part of my brain saying horrible things about her that is also making another part of my brain cringe in shame and horror.
The anger is starting to leak. I don't know how long I can keep it in check. I really don't want to take responsibility for someone elses problems. And I'd do it willingly if I wasn't being forced into it. Now I just want people to fuck off.
I am feeling guilty for being angry and hurt, where I have every reason to be. And this is also her special talent.
Fuck my life.
I do.
Right now I have this slow acting anger inside me, which is a lot like saying that I have slow acting poison racing through my blood stream. The effects are the same.
I kicked/forced one of my housemates out of the house on the behest of the other one. Without actually witnessing the altercation between them, and only on the sayso of violence from the other. But since the sayso was that of a girl and the person accused was a guy, it was pretty much a blind decision. But I did hear the protests of it being an equal opportunity violent session from both sides, but I chose to still make the decision. I chose to ignore the logic and niggling doubts that told me that what he was saying is probably true.
Its so fucked up. I feel extremely unhappy and confused. And angry. I'm so fucking irritated. They have been at this for months. Years. And I'm angry at her for putting me through this. For making me take her decisions and making my position untennable. For getting me to destroy a really old friendship. Two, if i'm being honest with myself.
Somewhere, that ugly truthful part of my brain has started ranting at me that she is toxic. And this happened once before and I ended somthing with someone who did love me unconditionally in spite of all her faults. It became permissible to give up the most precious thing in the world: unconditional love. And this is happening again. There is this ugly part of my brain saying horrible things about her that is also making another part of my brain cringe in shame and horror.
The anger is starting to leak. I don't know how long I can keep it in check. I really don't want to take responsibility for someone elses problems. And I'd do it willingly if I wasn't being forced into it. Now I just want people to fuck off.
I am feeling guilty for being angry and hurt, where I have every reason to be. And this is also her special talent.
Fuck my life.
