Purge post

Hello,
 This is supposed to be a purge post. Because I can't seem to work. Its horrible. because working at least makes me stop thinking of me. Which is what I don't want to do. I just want to react to things as they come. Maybe it will come as a surprise, but what the hell.
 I need to do something about this self hate thing. Its actually driving me mad. Along with a host of other things.
The Dip is not helping me. I don't have an obsessive distraction. And I need that. I need something which will be so obsess my mind that it will not notice things that freak me out. Like when I am working these days I keep regular hours sometimes, and hence I'm really really clear headed, and I notice things I say and I do. Which is freaky to me. Because it feels unreal, as in I can't believe I am a person. and I am saying these things. I can't believe words are coming out of my mind. I am analyzing everything in my head and my mouth, and basically questioning my existence as a biographical organism. A blank mind, with no addiction or occupation is a horrible thing. A really really terrible thing. Its just making me think that I need to be drunk or doped or just brain fuzzed with less or more than sufficient amount of sleep so that I dont notice extra shit. Yet when I am in the worst cycles of sleep deprivation and bad habits, I think that I really need to get my life back together. But when my mind is finally at its clearest I dont like it at all. I hate it. If this will not drive someone mental I dont know what will.
 And thats not the end of the self hate. I hate how I have handled certain things. I hate that I am that person who has been knowingly callous to this other person and that person is suffering for it, for the only crime of having deep affection and more for me. But I couldn't not do it. Because I hate the person I have seen myself becoming when I am with someone. And its not pretty. It just adds to my self hate. Because I feel like I'm not being myself, whatever that is. The conundrum is that I want to have what other people have. I dont want to feel alone. I dont want to feel like there is no hope for me, that I will never be a person who can feel something so strong for a person that its natural to do things which make me feel sick now. This is a purge post, so I know i am only making sense in my head and to no one else. Its these illusions of things I should want and I should have that has been ingrained into me that makes me so miserable. And its funny because thats the thing the leading philosophies in the world like buddhism teach- that unhappiness comes from wanting something which is not real, at least which is not real and true to the self- I think I'm mangling most of it but still- I guess I wouldn't be this mess if I was a person who never thought that much, who was so immersed in the mundane that they don't know anything else and don't want to either. My greatest want is to be someone else who is normal and mundane with mundane intelligence and mundane everything. And if someone was to tell me that what I am really is mundane and there are millions of others who are the same then I would take it as the greatest of compliments.
 I guess what I keep working towards now is the relative calm in my head. The calm that doesn't talk. The calm that seeps things in. I dont do it now- but I just remember a time I would sit outdoors and look at things around me and just let the outside and the world outside my body and my mind be greater and bigger than anything inside. And I wouldn't think. It wouldn't be about me. I want that calm. I want to consistently be that person who notices things and wonders at things outside, who can be witty with one liners and who didn't introspect about ones own self. This used to generate the most creativity out of me, and I miss that. I could write then. I had opinions and things I wanted to do and did them. It took me out of my self. Now I just feel an inkling of that when I am immersed in a tv show or a movie. Or a book. Nothing too heavy. Photographs and videos of travel zone me in there, to the longing to be somewhere else, living a different life, but not exactly the me I am but someone I could be. Its always the temptation of being something else other than what I am that draws me. I still dream of travelling out of the country, and thats mostly because in my naivette I believe that moving somewhere else, completely different I will be able to be someone else. Intellectually I do know that I can't not be me. But these fantasies keep me going, and its where I am and whats surrounding me, and reinforcing what and who I am is whats slowly making me completely mental.

I hope I can work tomorrow,
bye

I want to go to Rajasthan

I was looking at pictures my dad took. He has become very net savvy these days, you know. He had always been tech savvy, what with him owning a mac and all, and yet I am the graphic designer (Okay, its a sore point) but thats not the issue. I was looking at my dad's pictures and I really miss it. I miss the travelling. The road trips and basically the fun. Road trips are unlike anything else. And I have been born into them, seeing I had never been on a train until i was in class 11 and that was for a school excursion and I first got on a plane when I had finished graduation and had to go to Delhi.
 Now all i do travel by are planes and trains. Especially trains. I am so used to trains now that I know where I will be at what point and where the damn pantry picks up the meals from. The airports still hold a romance for me because it gives me fanciful notions of being able to go to the different ends of the world, and world travel, which I don't think I have it in me to do by car.
 But a Road trip is a road trip is a road trip. My life is all fractured right now. I have lost all sense of language and time and distance, and I live in a space of mind somewhere between Bangalore and Calcutta, not exactly in these cities themselves but somewhere in the bad lands of the country in between, and I fear somewhere in the unbearable heat of Andhra Pradesh. At least in my mind. I have forgotten what its like to relax, go on a trip, and not of the chemical kind, and the old fashioned holidays where it was us and Tia's family. That's it. And I am supremely jealous of their Rajasthan trip. I have never felt more alone. There I was in calcutta by myself, in a huge house which is meant to be full of people, living an independent life, by myself, when everyone knows that in calcutta you are supposed to be surrounded by people! Your family is supposed to be there cossetting you!  And then I left. I am in Bangalore now. The lonliness continues. And the fucked up part is that you get used to it. And you end up not wanting anything else.
 Except for when I look at the pictures, and remember the trips, the details of which even I had forgotten. The longing then becomes sharp and painful completely unbearable.