By hand. On paper. With Sketch Pens. And altogether I thought it was quite a project. And I posted it at a post office. That too was quite an adventure. I am not sure why something this stupid made me feel like I was accomplishing something, but it did. And just as I finished posting the letters and was walking back I feel a sense of emptiness that takes place when I finish a project. Its like there is nothing left in me. I look at the papers and sketch pens and post its, and tape and scissors strewn around where I worked, and I feel like they are dead things. I can't make stuff out of them any longer. Chances are I will be doing something with them. But I don't know what.
Oh, look I am being my bright ray of sunshine again!
But really, I wrote the letters and I went and printed new years cards that I had made, and I thought it would be nice to do this. But I had not encountered on some revelations when I tried to write the letters. The thing that I realized was that I was afraid. Of the reception to what I was saying. People tend to look at honest disclosures or something which emotional and sentimental very uncomfortably. And their reaction is what I found myself fearing. I realized my heart was breaking as I was writing because somehow I know what the reactions are going to be. Yet I kept writing. Because somewhere between the start and the finish, it has turned into a social experiment. If it fails, then I have only to lose the friends whom I think are my friends. We won't be casual and friends-like anymore. And how bad will that be? That was what the fear was about. What kept me at it, was that I realized that I already felt isolated. And I already am alone. So what the reactions and actions of people hundreds of miles away are going to be doesn't really matter. Because I'll still be alone.
But the entire Post Project, as I am calling it in my head, I completed. And it was fun as I was doing it. And there was a point where I thought I would not be able to complete it- meaning I'd never end up posting the letters, but i did it.
A lot has been cost at the price of this little project of mine. My comic project was put on hold for two days, between 31st december and third january. And there is a lot to be done for it. I have to finish putting in the text for the comic. I have to redesign the website. And I have to do the documentation. and I have exactly till the 8th of this month to do it. So following that its fourth of the month today, I really couldn't afford to take the two days off.
But I don't regret it. Because I cannot regret living my life. My life isn't just the Comic project. I refuse to let the project dictate it . I was letting that happen before the Fiasco. But post it, something in me has shifted. And I cannot let something make me so unhappy that I cannot do anything else. Doing other work is healing. And that is very very important.
So I have been doing the post project, and then I have been reading too. I felt like I had no oxygen without contact with books. Flipkart saved me. And reading and doing other stuff is what makes me feel human in this entire hellish experience I've been having.
But for now, I have just been elated to have put sketch pen to paper, and printed cards and put them in an envelope and stick stamps on and drop them into the mailbox.
Oh, look I am being my bright ray of sunshine again!
But really, I wrote the letters and I went and printed new years cards that I had made, and I thought it would be nice to do this. But I had not encountered on some revelations when I tried to write the letters. The thing that I realized was that I was afraid. Of the reception to what I was saying. People tend to look at honest disclosures or something which emotional and sentimental very uncomfortably. And their reaction is what I found myself fearing. I realized my heart was breaking as I was writing because somehow I know what the reactions are going to be. Yet I kept writing. Because somewhere between the start and the finish, it has turned into a social experiment. If it fails, then I have only to lose the friends whom I think are my friends. We won't be casual and friends-like anymore. And how bad will that be? That was what the fear was about. What kept me at it, was that I realized that I already felt isolated. And I already am alone. So what the reactions and actions of people hundreds of miles away are going to be doesn't really matter. Because I'll still be alone.
But the entire Post Project, as I am calling it in my head, I completed. And it was fun as I was doing it. And there was a point where I thought I would not be able to complete it- meaning I'd never end up posting the letters, but i did it.
A lot has been cost at the price of this little project of mine. My comic project was put on hold for two days, between 31st december and third january. And there is a lot to be done for it. I have to finish putting in the text for the comic. I have to redesign the website. And I have to do the documentation. and I have exactly till the 8th of this month to do it. So following that its fourth of the month today, I really couldn't afford to take the two days off.
But I don't regret it. Because I cannot regret living my life. My life isn't just the Comic project. I refuse to let the project dictate it . I was letting that happen before the Fiasco. But post it, something in me has shifted. And I cannot let something make me so unhappy that I cannot do anything else. Doing other work is healing. And that is very very important.
So I have been doing the post project, and then I have been reading too. I felt like I had no oxygen without contact with books. Flipkart saved me. And reading and doing other stuff is what makes me feel human in this entire hellish experience I've been having.
But for now, I have just been elated to have put sketch pen to paper, and printed cards and put them in an envelope and stick stamps on and drop them into the mailbox.
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