Being an Adult

At the ripe age of twenty six, I have finally set foot unto adulthood. I have finished education (unofficially, of course) and now earn my own keep. It is very surreal. There was a point, only some months ago, when I thought this would never happen. But ab mere paas  gaari nahi hai, flat hai, aur chakri hai, though I am sorely missing my mother, though that situation is not going to be rectified anytime in the foreseeable future.

 Things have happened very fast. On the day that I finished the last hurdle into my diploma, I had mentally prepared myself for a long and arduous wait until someone hired me, very convinced that my luck with my diploma (or the lack of) would most certainly run into my attempts to become financially independent. But then I discovered what I now believe is the secret to most things in life (at least with me). If you are struggling with something, you will struggle with it for a LONG time, to the point of feeling that its never going to end, but when good things happen, they happen out of the blue and in a hurry. It’s still a little unbelievable for me, this having a job, and it’s a pretty decently paying first job too, with really flexible work environment, and the people seem nice. I don’t know how I lucked out here. Some might say that its karma. But you know what happens when one is forced to keep swallowing shit. You become convinced that you are a genuine cent percent shit eater. And no amount of good things happening to you can convince you otherwise. You keep on imaging the shit-throwing bogie man around the corner. It’s become a way of life. It’s basically Hinduism. I won’t even go into the finer implications of that one. It’s become who you are. Confidence and mental peace is a thing of the past. You are just sapped of any positive and optimistic energy.

 But am I happy with where I am now? I don’t really know, truth be told. The knocks never really stopped coming, you see. I got the job, and that was fine. I uprooted myself back to Bangalore as soon as money would allow it. And I had a temporary refuge with a friend, who has been the most generous with me through out my three years here. I mean ‘above and beyond’ levels. I thought I could take my time to fix things up for myself. But shit happened, and I woke up one morning to find myself not knowing where I was going to sleep the next night. Well, I made it through that phase, and I am grateful for all the help that I got.  Now I live in what can be called “the digha hotel”, with I, myself and some other chick who lives in my head.

 Its been a month and a half since I started work, and basically had my life halfway in a non tremulous position. And since the head space is calm, I’ve been rediscovering my old friend from No. 76, SFS Colony, loneliness. And all the beautiful side effects that come with it. It doesn’t feel odd at all. I am savoring the isolation with a side of self pity. You know you are truly jacked when you start enjoying your own self pity trips. There is also a certain amount of madness involved with living with yourself, and only having yourself for intense company ninety percent of the time. It starts showing from week two. You talk to yourself. Aloud. Swear at things, and talk to them, and be really surprised to hear yourself talk, or just be surprised to hear yourself say stuff your brains probably thinking but—shit--- You never hear yourself think, generally, do you? It’s bizarre. It feels like someone else is talking through a voice which can only be your own through a very obvious process of elimination.

Then, you start having feeling excited about men you just met because, damn, you haven’t had any form of human interaction with anyone but two people for months or weeks. It’s scary, because it seems real. But again, you’re jacked if you start enjoying the excitement, while knowing all the time that you’re just doing this because you are bored and it’s probably not real. That depressing thought is the side of self pity of which I spoke of before. This is the self pity which tells you that this is the real life, and it’s not going to change so basically any human interaction will follow the current trend of superficiality and will probably not last, and more importantly, is not real.

 But I am learning something new. I am learning to be by myself and to enjoy my own company. And doing this while not living in my own head. I am re learning to wander around places in the city with no agenda, just because I want to and doing what the hell I want. Walking by myself around Brigade and MG Road while looking at how beautiful the evening sky is and how amazing the city looks, is a treat which is hard to discover if you are constantly with people. You can’t just stop and look. Or sit on a bench or a low wall and stare at the sky, just because you can and you want to and there is no reason not to.  I went and watched a movie by myself the other day. It felt strange to pass by a theatre and just popping in on a whim and buying a ticket to whatever was showing then, after office. My head said that it was pathetic to be going to a theatre alone. But it wasn’t an unpleasant experience. Just a little sad. But I have professed to how much I am liking my current side dish of self pity.

I don’t know why is it that I am conditioned to want to not be alone. Most of us are that way I know. But I find it strange that because of this conditioning, I cannot enjoy it as much as I should. It’s like being Catholic. It’s like I’m not allowed to enjoy being by myself without feeling lonely and wishing there was someone there with me. And I know myself enough to understand that I don’t truly want anyone there, because I’ve become a person who is uncomfortable with people and being social. I don’t want to make the effort. I don’t feel like it. Ideally, I wouldn’t mind being with someone whom I don’t have to talk to, but just be. I don’t really want the mental pressure to talk and entertain  another person to make that person’s effort worthwhile. So this feeling that I wish I had some company when there is no reason for me to want this is very inconvenient.

But it is what it is. And I guess this is what ‘adulthood’ is all about.