Something which I thought of today, but the thought has been surfacing and drowning in my head for quite some time:
I am that girl, that friend, the colleague, who is good for some amusement, some revelry, some shock at vulgar behavior, some laughs, maybe some witty comments. Or, I'm the friend you cultivate because you think I am broken and helpless and need to be kept together and taken care of, a burden that is friendship. Some times used because I can never say no.
But when you need someone to hang out with, or tell your innermost thoughts to, or consider a romance with, someone you want to exclusively be with, its always the other girl. There is the prettier one, the one who giggles, the one who is more lady-like, more normal, less thinking, willing to talk about completely inconsequential things, who is put together, doesn't have issues, who doesn't look like a monster. The one who depends on you to do things for them, ask you questions to make you feel important, does not have an ego that makes her feel guilty when you do something inconsequential for her because she knows she can do it herself, and dammit she should.
Don't get me wrong. Its not a pain or a heartache anymore, this realization. I'm almost thirty. I realize this is what its always going to be like. Its been accepted in the head. So what it becomes difficult to see into the future knowing this is how it's always going to be. So what then it becomes difficult to create, or imagine, and dream. So what.
I am that girl, that friend, the colleague, who is good for some amusement, some revelry, some shock at vulgar behavior, some laughs, maybe some witty comments. Or, I'm the friend you cultivate because you think I am broken and helpless and need to be kept together and taken care of, a burden that is friendship. Some times used because I can never say no.
But when you need someone to hang out with, or tell your innermost thoughts to, or consider a romance with, someone you want to exclusively be with, its always the other girl. There is the prettier one, the one who giggles, the one who is more lady-like, more normal, less thinking, willing to talk about completely inconsequential things, who is put together, doesn't have issues, who doesn't look like a monster. The one who depends on you to do things for them, ask you questions to make you feel important, does not have an ego that makes her feel guilty when you do something inconsequential for her because she knows she can do it herself, and dammit she should.
Don't get me wrong. Its not a pain or a heartache anymore, this realization. I'm almost thirty. I realize this is what its always going to be like. Its been accepted in the head. So what it becomes difficult to see into the future knowing this is how it's always going to be. So what then it becomes difficult to create, or imagine, and dream. So what.
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