That new routine I talked so big about in my last post? yep, that didn't happen.
What happened was an epic fail to the point that I am now only reaching office at about 12.30 to 12 40 pm. You read that correctly.
But I need to step back. My sister visited this weekend and it was really exhausting. Especially emotionally. And I'm so wrung out. I love her, obviously. And I am ecstatic that she visited. But then the result of that is that I'm now facing uncomfortable facts about things which I have been willingly blind about.
Certain things I have just been allowing to happen, even though I feel horrendous about it, but I make no changes to anything. The main one being very codependent upon P and basically letting her life and her shit dictating my own life and feelings.
Intellectually I know that I do enable her. And allow her to dictate what I should and shouldn't be doing. I recongnise that she is a little too needy. I always did. But I refuse to do anything about it that was positive for me. This weekend I talked to my sister, after dinner on sunday, when P acted like an attention seeking drama queen that she is and proceeded to ruffle M and S's feathers to the point where M tells me that I need to stop being protective of P's behavior. And when I told my sister about it, she also told me in not so many words what is true and logical. My sister has a great knack for this.
Its not my fault that my situation in life financially is different and definitely not my responsibility to prop up someone else. I need to be a little selfish. And combinded with what M said, it also smacks with whatever I have been realizing for over the 10 months I have lived in this house.
P is not perfect. She can be caring and nice to me, and she truely and genuinely loves me. But she also is act drama queen and not the most mature and logical person on the planet. Also her wants and needs cannot dictate who I am. No matter how much I try, I cannot be whoever she wants me to be. And I don't even want to. So I should not feel guilty for it. Its not my responsibility to stick her broken pieces together. And its definitely not my responsibility to financially keep on supporting her. She needs to pull her weight. She cannot be perenially codependent on me. I know her patterns. She truely is a person who needs to be constantly codependent to the point of suffocation of the other person in order to functions successfully with other people of the world. Be it a friend or a boyfriend. I do not need to be the host/friend. I will not be able to survive that way.
And since M told me about how P needs to grow up, suddenly something has been ripped away from my eyes, which i was previously physically keeping in place. I am apparantly more grown up that she will ever be. And its not something that is pleasant to realize. And once it has happened, I cannot not see it . And all her foibles are being reinforeced the more time I am spending with her.
And this puts me in quite a existential quandry. I hate that M has pointed this out to me. I resent it. I resent her. For being so judgemental, and then also being so right. I cannot let go of this resentment. And its poisoning me unnaturally. And I am equally resentful of P for constantly taking advantage of me. Consistantly for the last 10 months and even more. And never realizing that she isn't as wonderful as she seems. Actually it is my fault. I know that no human is perfect, but this level of delusion on my part is extremely scary for me. Because I had no objectivity. Now all I notice is her neediness and fake nice behavior. Its not fake because she means it, but because she is at it 24/7. And her constant craving of approval. I think a little consultation about opinions makes a friend feels wanted. But constant seeking of the "yes" makes it annoying. And high handed attitudes of telling me what to do and not to do. I allowed such a lot of that. to the point of stupidity. Because she doesn't allow half as much as I allow. And her inability to listen or understand a logical arguement. gets very tiring.
I need to to shut some of me out of this equation or I wont survive. I need to reinstate some boundaries. Other wise, the little things that remain in my life will be gone. As it is I feel like I have not been living my life but P and R's life for the last 10 months. And I really hope this realization sticks.
What happened was an epic fail to the point that I am now only reaching office at about 12.30 to 12 40 pm. You read that correctly.
But I need to step back. My sister visited this weekend and it was really exhausting. Especially emotionally. And I'm so wrung out. I love her, obviously. And I am ecstatic that she visited. But then the result of that is that I'm now facing uncomfortable facts about things which I have been willingly blind about.
Certain things I have just been allowing to happen, even though I feel horrendous about it, but I make no changes to anything. The main one being very codependent upon P and basically letting her life and her shit dictating my own life and feelings.
Intellectually I know that I do enable her. And allow her to dictate what I should and shouldn't be doing. I recongnise that she is a little too needy. I always did. But I refuse to do anything about it that was positive for me. This weekend I talked to my sister, after dinner on sunday, when P acted like an attention seeking drama queen that she is and proceeded to ruffle M and S's feathers to the point where M tells me that I need to stop being protective of P's behavior. And when I told my sister about it, she also told me in not so many words what is true and logical. My sister has a great knack for this.
Its not my fault that my situation in life financially is different and definitely not my responsibility to prop up someone else. I need to be a little selfish. And combinded with what M said, it also smacks with whatever I have been realizing for over the 10 months I have lived in this house.
P is not perfect. She can be caring and nice to me, and she truely and genuinely loves me. But she also is act drama queen and not the most mature and logical person on the planet. Also her wants and needs cannot dictate who I am. No matter how much I try, I cannot be whoever she wants me to be. And I don't even want to. So I should not feel guilty for it. Its not my responsibility to stick her broken pieces together. And its definitely not my responsibility to financially keep on supporting her. She needs to pull her weight. She cannot be perenially codependent on me. I know her patterns. She truely is a person who needs to be constantly codependent to the point of suffocation of the other person in order to functions successfully with other people of the world. Be it a friend or a boyfriend. I do not need to be the host/friend. I will not be able to survive that way.
And since M told me about how P needs to grow up, suddenly something has been ripped away from my eyes, which i was previously physically keeping in place. I am apparantly more grown up that she will ever be. And its not something that is pleasant to realize. And once it has happened, I cannot not see it . And all her foibles are being reinforeced the more time I am spending with her.
And this puts me in quite a existential quandry. I hate that M has pointed this out to me. I resent it. I resent her. For being so judgemental, and then also being so right. I cannot let go of this resentment. And its poisoning me unnaturally. And I am equally resentful of P for constantly taking advantage of me. Consistantly for the last 10 months and even more. And never realizing that she isn't as wonderful as she seems. Actually it is my fault. I know that no human is perfect, but this level of delusion on my part is extremely scary for me. Because I had no objectivity. Now all I notice is her neediness and fake nice behavior. Its not fake because she means it, but because she is at it 24/7. And her constant craving of approval. I think a little consultation about opinions makes a friend feels wanted. But constant seeking of the "yes" makes it annoying. And high handed attitudes of telling me what to do and not to do. I allowed such a lot of that. to the point of stupidity. Because she doesn't allow half as much as I allow. And her inability to listen or understand a logical arguement. gets very tiring.
I need to to shut some of me out of this equation or I wont survive. I need to reinstate some boundaries. Other wise, the little things that remain in my life will be gone. As it is I feel like I have not been living my life but P and R's life for the last 10 months. And I really hope this realization sticks.
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